Tears Run Down My Face

Well the semester is over, kinda...still have 4 finals and a paper to write, which right now I'm procrastinating on studying and writing [not a good thing]...so the semester from hell will officially be over December 18.
So I have been really hurt lately and I have done a good job of hiding my pain. I feel like everything is going wrong and there is nothing that I can do to stop my world from falling into this downward spiral. I really just wish that everything would stop.
I'm still not over Jarret's death. It still hurts, especially when I was back in Wake Forest over Thanksgiving and I went to visit him, and then I happened to come across some old pictures from track meets. It's just hard when someone is missing from your life and you know you can't see them again. I had a dream about him the other night and my mom said that it just means I'm thinking about him and he's still around by watching over me and everyone else. It hurts every day, but I think I'm doing a good job of hiding my emotions-I feel like I have to be strong, because if I cry it shows that I'm weak [I'm weird, I know]. However, the other day I did call Casey crying and tried to convince him that I wasn't, but he came over to give me a hug and make sure I was ok. It was really sweet of him, and he told me that it was ok to cry, because I'm weird and don't like to cry and don't like when people see me crying. You'd think after going through this many times before it'd be a little easier, but I swear it gets harder and harder every time, and some days are just harder than others. I just hope he knows that I think about him constantly and miss him. I just know he is my guardian angel.
On a happier note, I'm pretty much addicted Taylor Swift's new album...I swear I've listened to every song like 93939696934 times. It really doesn't matter what song it is, but I seem to find somehow to relate it to my life. I'm such a loser when I start relating songs and quotes to my life.
Well, someone still hasn't broken up with their girlfriend, which is irritating me day by day because I don't understand how you don't even acknowledge that you are dating someone, and when you know they are coming you put their picture up, and take it down as soon as they leave. How does that work? Are you that unhappy that you are embarrassed, but yet you won't grow the balls to break up with them? Whatever. Even though I quite possibly have a "thing" for this person, I'm getting really fed up, especially when I know that everything that I want to happen won't. So I really don't even know what the point in trying is...it's really not worth it anymore. My feelings for him are not going to go away, but I'm just going to have go move on, I really can't get involved with something like that.
Since I'm venting about 'him' I might as well vent about other things...first of all, I'm frustrated with the previous situation. Second of all, my parents are definitely moving to Tampa within the next year or so. I mean I'm not mad that they are moving, because my family can't stay still, plus it's not like I'm moving to Florida, I mean I might possibly end up at the University of Florida for Journalism School, but it's just weird to think that I'm going to have to pack up the room that I spent my high school years in. That's the house that holds a lot of memories. The Hills on Monday night made me think of all of this because Lauren was packing up her old room, and it was easy to relate to because my house is where I had my first kiss, that's where I had my graduation party, where I got ready for Junior and Senior Prom, where an ex-boyfriend told me he loved me for the first time. My room is the room I cried in so many times, where I had so many long talks with old friends, where I drank for the first time on New Years before going to a party with Steven and then where Jenni and I came back to pass out because we definitely drank too much. That house is where I had my first real party, where everyone came before football games, and where everyone came to get ready and take pictures before dances. That's where I got my rejection letter from Carolina, and where I got my Charlotte acceptance letter. It's just wierd knowing that pretty soon someone is going to buy that house and be living with all of my memories. The whole moving part is not a big deal, because like I said we move all the time, but I lived in that house for 4 years, my high school years, so it holds so many memories that another house could never replace. It just sucks. Third thing that is bothering me is that I feel like I go out of my way all the time for people and get nothing in return. Why can I make other people happy, but I can't make myself happy? I can't figure it out. You'd think I could make myself happy, but it seems like everytime I try to go after something that makes me happy, it gets blow up in my face and I get screwed in the end...pretty much the story of my life. Maybe one of these days, things will turn around and everything will go right, but I guess life has a way of kicking us down, before letting us see the good things.


"Stop planning your life and let it plan itself. Quit trying to find the perfect boy and let him find you. If you don't want drama, then don't talk shit. Things are only as complicated as you make them."

Maybe I'm just making things more complicated??