I am officially done...I'm over liking Ryan. Everyone told me I would get tired of waiting around for something to happen and I am. He has a girlfriend and she isn't going anywhere anytime soon because he is so used to be with her and I've come to realize he is afraid of change, therefore nothing is going to happen. I am just wasting my time sitting around waiting for something to happen with him when I know nothing will and I'm closing myself off to other opportunities. So I'm done. I'm going to start 2009 off not worring about stupid stuff like this anymore, it's time for things to change...
"Life is an interesting journey. You never know where it will take you. Peaks and valleys, twists and turns. You can get the surprise of your life. Sometimes on the way to where you're going you might think this is worst time of my life, but you know what, at the end of the road through all the adversity if you can get to where you wanted to be, you remember whatever don't kill you will make you stronger, and all the adversity was worth it. On your way to the top, you'll do anything, but how do you get your life back when you get there?" ::T.I::
Monday, December 29, 2008
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Every End Is Just A New Beginning...
As 2008 comes to a close, I think it's only fitting that I do a brief recap of my year...the year definitely saw it's ups and downs, however I think it had more downs than anything. The year started off alright but then kind of went into a downward spiral. The spring semester of my freshman year was miserable-I never wanted to be in my room because I hated my roommate sooo much, and I definitely couldn't wait to get out of there! Then moving back home after being on my own for a whole year was kind of weird. I came back to find things completely different than how I left them. Friends were different, living back with my parents was weird...I was back to rules and curfews when I was so used to doing what I want when I wanted. But I spent pretty much the whole summer by the pool or at the beach since my grandmother was in and out of the hospital the whole time. Although, I did go to New York for a while, which was really nice-I miss it up there. I also got to go to another Yankees game, even though this was the last one in the ORIGINAL Yankee Stadium-I love going there because there's so much history and so many great players once played there....it's sad they are tearing it down :( Hmm...moved into my new apartment with amazing roommates (: . I lost a great friend--Jarret Satchell..I miss you so much, watch over us. That was really rough...he died from injuries in a car accident on my birthday and I'm still not over it completely because I definitely have my days where I just can't figure out why things like this happen. It's just really hard losing friends and I say this often but I really hope that no one has to go through it as many times as I have had to go through it. Oh, I started liking one of my best guy friends and that was a huge mistake...and is going absolutely no where...I'm pretty fed up with it now and I'm pretty sure I'm over it...I haven't even heard from him once over Winter Break (except for one text message on Christmas). Maybe it's because he has a girlfriend, but whatever I'm done...he's a waste of time. I made it through the semester from hell and my grades weren't as bad as I thought they were gonna be. Winter Break hasn't been that bad...not going to lie, I'm kind of bored, and can't wait to go back to Charlotte, but that's to be expected I guess-I'll be back soon enough. And that's pretty much my 2008 in a nutshell. I know 2009 is going to be a lot better, after the not so great 2008-I can only hope...
"Every story has to end, but in life every end is just a new beginning." ::Uptown Girls::
"Every story has to end, but in life every end is just a new beginning." ::Uptown Girls::
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Tears Run Down My Face
Well the semester is over, kinda...still have 4 finals and a paper to write, which right now I'm procrastinating on studying and writing [not a good thing]...so the semester from hell will officially be over December 18.
So I have been really hurt lately and I have done a good job of hiding my pain. I feel like everything is going wrong and there is nothing that I can do to stop my world from falling into this downward spiral. I really just wish that everything would stop.
I'm still not over Jarret's death. It still hurts, especially when I was back in Wake Forest over Thanksgiving and I went to visit him, and then I happened to come across some old pictures from track meets. It's just hard when someone is missing from your life and you know you can't see them again. I had a dream about him the other night and my mom said that it just means I'm thinking about him and he's still around by watching over me and everyone else. It hurts every day, but I think I'm doing a good job of hiding my emotions-I feel like I have to be strong, because if I cry it shows that I'm weak [I'm weird, I know]. However, the other day I did call Casey crying and tried to convince him that I wasn't, but he came over to give me a hug and make sure I was ok. It was really sweet of him, and he told me that it was ok to cry, because I'm weird and don't like to cry and don't like when people see me crying. You'd think after going through this many times before it'd be a little easier, but I swear it gets harder and harder every time, and some days are just harder than others. I just hope he knows that I think about him constantly and miss him. I just know he is my guardian angel.
On a happier note, I'm pretty much addicted Taylor Swift's new album...I swear I've listened to every song like 93939696934 times. It really doesn't matter what song it is, but I seem to find somehow to relate it to my life. I'm such a loser when I start relating songs and quotes to my life.
Well, someone still hasn't broken up with their girlfriend, which is irritating me day by day because I don't understand how you don't even acknowledge that you are dating someone, and when you know they are coming you put their picture up, and take it down as soon as they leave. How does that work? Are you that unhappy that you are embarrassed, but yet you won't grow the balls to break up with them? Whatever. Even though I quite possibly have a "thing" for this person, I'm getting really fed up, especially when I know that everything that I want to happen won't. So I really don't even know what the point in trying is...it's really not worth it anymore. My feelings for him are not going to go away, but I'm just going to have go move on, I really can't get involved with something like that.
Since I'm venting about 'him' I might as well vent about other things...first of all, I'm frustrated with the previous situation. Second of all, my parents are definitely moving to Tampa within the next year or so. I mean I'm not mad that they are moving, because my family can't stay still, plus it's not like I'm moving to Florida, I mean I might possibly end up at the University of Florida for Journalism School, but it's just weird to think that I'm going to have to pack up the room that I spent my high school years in. That's the house that holds a lot of memories. The Hills on Monday night made me think of all of this because Lauren was packing up her old room, and it was easy to relate to because my house is where I had my first kiss, that's where I had my graduation party, where I got ready for Junior and Senior Prom, where an ex-boyfriend told me he loved me for the first time. My room is the room I cried in so many times, where I had so many long talks with old friends, where I drank for the first time on New Years before going to a party with Steven and then where Jenni and I came back to pass out because we definitely drank too much. That house is where I had my first real party, where everyone came before football games, and where everyone came to get ready and take pictures before dances. That's where I got my rejection letter from Carolina, and where I got my Charlotte acceptance letter. It's just wierd knowing that pretty soon someone is going to buy that house and be living with all of my memories. The whole moving part is not a big deal, because like I said we move all the time, but I lived in that house for 4 years, my high school years, so it holds so many memories that another house could never replace. It just sucks. Third thing that is bothering me is that I feel like I go out of my way all the time for people and get nothing in return. Why can I make other people happy, but I can't make myself happy? I can't figure it out. You'd think I could make myself happy, but it seems like everytime I try to go after something that makes me happy, it gets blow up in my face and I get screwed in the end...pretty much the story of my life. Maybe one of these days, things will turn around and everything will go right, but I guess life has a way of kicking us down, before letting us see the good things.
"Stop planning your life and let it plan itself. Quit trying to find the perfect boy and let him find you. If you don't want drama, then don't talk shit. Things are only as complicated as you make them."
Maybe I'm just making things more complicated??
So I have been really hurt lately and I have done a good job of hiding my pain. I feel like everything is going wrong and there is nothing that I can do to stop my world from falling into this downward spiral. I really just wish that everything would stop.
I'm still not over Jarret's death. It still hurts, especially when I was back in Wake Forest over Thanksgiving and I went to visit him, and then I happened to come across some old pictures from track meets. It's just hard when someone is missing from your life and you know you can't see them again. I had a dream about him the other night and my mom said that it just means I'm thinking about him and he's still around by watching over me and everyone else. It hurts every day, but I think I'm doing a good job of hiding my emotions-I feel like I have to be strong, because if I cry it shows that I'm weak [I'm weird, I know]. However, the other day I did call Casey crying and tried to convince him that I wasn't, but he came over to give me a hug and make sure I was ok. It was really sweet of him, and he told me that it was ok to cry, because I'm weird and don't like to cry and don't like when people see me crying. You'd think after going through this many times before it'd be a little easier, but I swear it gets harder and harder every time, and some days are just harder than others. I just hope he knows that I think about him constantly and miss him. I just know he is my guardian angel.
On a happier note, I'm pretty much addicted Taylor Swift's new album...I swear I've listened to every song like 93939696934 times. It really doesn't matter what song it is, but I seem to find somehow to relate it to my life. I'm such a loser when I start relating songs and quotes to my life.
Well, someone still hasn't broken up with their girlfriend, which is irritating me day by day because I don't understand how you don't even acknowledge that you are dating someone, and when you know they are coming you put their picture up, and take it down as soon as they leave. How does that work? Are you that unhappy that you are embarrassed, but yet you won't grow the balls to break up with them? Whatever. Even though I quite possibly have a "thing" for this person, I'm getting really fed up, especially when I know that everything that I want to happen won't. So I really don't even know what the point in trying is...it's really not worth it anymore. My feelings for him are not going to go away, but I'm just going to have go move on, I really can't get involved with something like that.
Since I'm venting about 'him' I might as well vent about other things...first of all, I'm frustrated with the previous situation. Second of all, my parents are definitely moving to Tampa within the next year or so. I mean I'm not mad that they are moving, because my family can't stay still, plus it's not like I'm moving to Florida, I mean I might possibly end up at the University of Florida for Journalism School, but it's just weird to think that I'm going to have to pack up the room that I spent my high school years in. That's the house that holds a lot of memories. The Hills on Monday night made me think of all of this because Lauren was packing up her old room, and it was easy to relate to because my house is where I had my first kiss, that's where I had my graduation party, where I got ready for Junior and Senior Prom, where an ex-boyfriend told me he loved me for the first time. My room is the room I cried in so many times, where I had so many long talks with old friends, where I drank for the first time on New Years before going to a party with Steven and then where Jenni and I came back to pass out because we definitely drank too much. That house is where I had my first real party, where everyone came before football games, and where everyone came to get ready and take pictures before dances. That's where I got my rejection letter from Carolina, and where I got my Charlotte acceptance letter. It's just wierd knowing that pretty soon someone is going to buy that house and be living with all of my memories. The whole moving part is not a big deal, because like I said we move all the time, but I lived in that house for 4 years, my high school years, so it holds so many memories that another house could never replace. It just sucks. Third thing that is bothering me is that I feel like I go out of my way all the time for people and get nothing in return. Why can I make other people happy, but I can't make myself happy? I can't figure it out. You'd think I could make myself happy, but it seems like everytime I try to go after something that makes me happy, it gets blow up in my face and I get screwed in the end...pretty much the story of my life. Maybe one of these days, things will turn around and everything will go right, but I guess life has a way of kicking us down, before letting us see the good things.
"Stop planning your life and let it plan itself. Quit trying to find the perfect boy and let him find you. If you don't want drama, then don't talk shit. Things are only as complicated as you make them."
Maybe I'm just making things more complicated??
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Just Breathe
So lately I feel like there isn't enough time in the day for me to breathe. Maybe it's good that I have been kept busy and haven't had time to stop and think because I have really just had a tough last couple of months.
I still have my days where I have to pretend like everything is ok, when I'm really going to break down and cry. Every since Jarret passed away in October I have pretty much been a mess, but I have done a pretty good job of trying to keep my composure, it's tough but you never know how strong you are when being strong is the only option you have. The other day I couldn't pretend to be strong anymore and I just broke down big time, but I guess sometimes you just need to do that every once in a while. I know that everyone that has left my life too soon wouldn't want me or anyone else crying over them, they'd want us to be happy and laugh at all the good times we shared.
Wednesday they lit the tree in Rockefeller Center and it made me wish I was up there so bad. Whenever it's cold out I just want to be up north; winter in North Carolina is just not the same as when I lived in Jersey. I hate the cold, but I just wish I could go back to those winters where I was with my cousins playing in the snow and walking through New York City with the snow falling and the Christmas Tree and all the decorations-then the cold is just worthwhile. I just miss it, a lot.
"Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple." ::Dr. Seuss::
I still have my days where I have to pretend like everything is ok, when I'm really going to break down and cry. Every since Jarret passed away in October I have pretty much been a mess, but I have done a pretty good job of trying to keep my composure, it's tough but you never know how strong you are when being strong is the only option you have. The other day I couldn't pretend to be strong anymore and I just broke down big time, but I guess sometimes you just need to do that every once in a while. I know that everyone that has left my life too soon wouldn't want me or anyone else crying over them, they'd want us to be happy and laugh at all the good times we shared.
Wednesday they lit the tree in Rockefeller Center and it made me wish I was up there so bad. Whenever it's cold out I just want to be up north; winter in North Carolina is just not the same as when I lived in Jersey. I hate the cold, but I just wish I could go back to those winters where I was with my cousins playing in the snow and walking through New York City with the snow falling and the Christmas Tree and all the decorations-then the cold is just worthwhile. I just miss it, a lot.
"Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple." ::Dr. Seuss::
Monday, November 10, 2008
You Belong With Me
You're on the phone with your girlfriend shes upset. Shes going off about something that you said 'Cuz she doesn't, get your humor like I do... I'm in the room It's a typical Tuesday night I'm listening to the kind of music she doesn't like and she'll never know your story like i do But she wears short skirts I wear T-shirts She's cheer captain And I'm on the bleachers Dreaming about the day when you wake up And find what you're looking for has been here the whole time If you could see that I'm the one who understands you been here all along so why can't you see, you You belong with me You belong with me Walkin' the streets with you and your worn-out jeans I can't help thinking this is how it ought to be Laughing on a park bench, thinking to myself Hey isn't this easy And you've got a smile that could light up this whole town I haven't seen it in a while since she brought you down You say you're fine I know you better then that Hey whatcha doing with a girl like that She wears high heels I wear sneakers Shes cheer captain and I'm on the bleachers Dreaming about the day when you wake up and find That what you're looking for has been here the whole time If you could see that I'm the one who understands you Been here all along so why can't you see You belong with me Standing by and waiting at your back door all this time how could you not know Baby.... You belong with me You belong with me Oh I remember you drivin' to my house in the middle of the night I'm the one who makes you laugh When you know you're about to cry And i know your favorite songs And you tell me about your dreams Think I know where you belong Think I know it's with me... Can't you see that I'm the one who understands you Been here all along So why can't you see You belong with me Standing by and waiting at your back door All this time How could you not know Baby you belong with me You belong with me You belong with me Have you ever thought just maybe you belong with me You belong with me...
Taylor Swift's You Belong With Me
Taylor Swift's You Belong With Me
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Just So You Know
Why is it that I have so much that I need to say, but for once in my life my big mouth wants to keep quiet? I don't understand it. Why is it that I can't just tell someone how I feel? Why is it that I feel as though I have to pretend I don't have feelings for someone when I really do? Why is it that I'm possibly falling for someone who is in a relationship? What the hell is wrong with me? These are the many unanswered questions that I have in my life right now. I am falling for someone who I am really good friends with and they just happen to conveniently be in a relationship. Why is this happening to me? I seriously don't understand my logic in this whole situation, but you know sometimes I lack intelligence and make the stupidest decisions ever, like this for instance. I mean seriously how much stupider can I get...I'm falling for a guy who has a girlfriend!!!! News flash Kristen you probably don't have a chance in hell to be with him. But yet I'm sticking around and almost in a sense being played as his girlfriend on the side and I'm going to be the idiot left hurt at the end of all of this. I'm seriously a freakin' moron. I don't know what to do. Do I tell them how I feel or continue with my little act? On one hand I could tell them I feel and potentially lose a friend or make things awkward...or...I could tell them how I feel and gain something. I just don't know what to do. I'm so confused. I'm caught in a really tough spot right now, and I don't want to fuck anything up. Why is this so hard? I need a sign, something to let me know what the right decision is.
"It's getting hard to be around you/ There's so much I can't say/ Do you want me to hide the feelings/ And look the other way?" -Jesse McCartney's Just So You Know
"It's getting hard to be around you/ There's so much I can't say/ Do you want me to hide the feelings/ And look the other way?" -Jesse McCartney's Just So You Know
Friday, November 7, 2008
Balance
This pretty much sums up my life right now: "Sometimes you have to take a step back to see what's really going on. Maybe that's what we both really need to do right now...find our balance again." -Roswell
I really do need to find the balance in my life. I realized that I have become so goal-orientated because I have a slight problem trusting people and I'm always afraid people are going to let me down and because of this I have been pushing certain people/things away recently. What the hell is wrong with me!?!?! The people I think are going to stick around-let me down or walk away, and the people you think you could trust lie to protect you from the truth, so I just have this fear that its this continuing pattern that will never end. Maybe one of these days someone will prove me wrong.
Have you ever wanted something so bad, but knew you couldn't have it? Yeah I feel like that too right now. But sometimes you just have to push aside those feelings and go on with your life like nothing is there, and I think I have done a pretty good job with it even though it's incredibly hard to do.
Thanksgiving Break is right around the corner and it can not come at a better time. Only 2 weeks away!! (: Once this semester is over I'll be even happier!! However I am dreading the 18 hours I have next semester, plus summer school...fun stuff. I'm just ready to graduate and go to New York or Florida, but I have two and a half more years.
"Life is a balance of holding on and letting go" :Unknown:
I really do need to find the balance in my life. I realized that I have become so goal-orientated because I have a slight problem trusting people and I'm always afraid people are going to let me down and because of this I have been pushing certain people/things away recently. What the hell is wrong with me!?!?! The people I think are going to stick around-let me down or walk away, and the people you think you could trust lie to protect you from the truth, so I just have this fear that its this continuing pattern that will never end. Maybe one of these days someone will prove me wrong.
Have you ever wanted something so bad, but knew you couldn't have it? Yeah I feel like that too right now. But sometimes you just have to push aside those feelings and go on with your life like nothing is there, and I think I have done a pretty good job with it even though it's incredibly hard to do.
Thanksgiving Break is right around the corner and it can not come at a better time. Only 2 weeks away!! (: Once this semester is over I'll be even happier!! However I am dreading the 18 hours I have next semester, plus summer school...fun stuff. I'm just ready to graduate and go to New York or Florida, but I have two and a half more years.
"Life is a balance of holding on and letting go" :Unknown:
Thursday, October 30, 2008
There's So Much I Can't Say
The title of this blog basically speaks for itself...THERE'S SO MUCH I CAN'T SAY!!!!!
Among the things that I can say, I have a B in Spanish! I'm pretty excited! I have studied so hard for that class recently. I am trying so hard to keep my GPA up, I can't afford for it to go down especially with me having these big dreams of going to Journalism School. But I am doing pretty decent in school right now, I should be considering all the time I have devoted to studying and practically living in the damn library. It's all paying off! (:
So basketball season starts Thursday!! I'm pretty excited about that. It gives me something to look forward to considering this week is going to suck majorly-I have a Sociology and Spanish exam on Tuesday and an English paper due on Wednesday. Just awesome. Oh well I'll be fine...just going to study and write basically all weekend and have no life. :( Well there really is not much for me to say right now, because the things I want to say I can't, and it's killing me. But there really is not much I can do about it.
"All teenagers knew this was true. The process of growing up was nothing more than figuring out what doors hadn't yet been slammed in your face. For year's her own parents had told her that she could be anything, have anything, do anything. That was why she'd been so eager to grow up-until she got to adolescence and hit a big, fat wall of reality. As it turned out, she couldn't have anything she wanted. You didn't get to be pretty, or smart, or popular just because you wanted it. You didn't control your own destiny; you were too busy trying to fit in." -Jodi Picoult, The Tenth Circle
Among the things that I can say, I have a B in Spanish! I'm pretty excited! I have studied so hard for that class recently. I am trying so hard to keep my GPA up, I can't afford for it to go down especially with me having these big dreams of going to Journalism School. But I am doing pretty decent in school right now, I should be considering all the time I have devoted to studying and practically living in the damn library. It's all paying off! (:
So basketball season starts Thursday!! I'm pretty excited about that. It gives me something to look forward to considering this week is going to suck majorly-I have a Sociology and Spanish exam on Tuesday and an English paper due on Wednesday. Just awesome. Oh well I'll be fine...just going to study and write basically all weekend and have no life. :( Well there really is not much for me to say right now, because the things I want to say I can't, and it's killing me. But there really is not much I can do about it.
"All teenagers knew this was true. The process of growing up was nothing more than figuring out what doors hadn't yet been slammed in your face. For year's her own parents had told her that she could be anything, have anything, do anything. That was why she'd been so eager to grow up-until she got to adolescence and hit a big, fat wall of reality. As it turned out, she couldn't have anything she wanted. You didn't get to be pretty, or smart, or popular just because you wanted it. You didn't control your own destiny; you were too busy trying to fit in." -Jodi Picoult, The Tenth Circle
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Maybe It's All For The Best, But I Don't See Any Good In This
I have so much on my mind and I don't even know where to start. This has just been another stressful week, but it's almost over...just one more class and it's the weekend, which is much needed besides the fact that I have to cover baseball all day Saturday, volleyball on Sunday and then work at the paper, and my parents are coming Friday to bring me my new glasses since apparently I strained my eyes bad by looking at the damn computer and studying all the freakin' time. So I really don't get much of a weekend to just relax. Ha, relax...what's that? Oh and somewhere in there I have to do a massive amount of homework/studying. Awesome.
So it's been getting colder which makes me want to be in New York or at least Jersey. The cold weather just makes me miss it for some reason. At least I'm getting to wear some cute fall/winter clothes, haha. The cold weather also makes me lonely. Not that I'm depressed or anything, but when it's cold outside I just want to lay in my bed with a movie on and cuddle with someone, well I don't have that, at least not now and probably not anytime in the near future. I just miss the comfort of having someone there for me whenever. It has been a while since I have had that "boyfriend figure" and I just really miss it. I like being single and being able to do whatever the hell I want to do, but I'm kind of over it. That makes me sound really needy, but oh well. Speaking of relationships, I saw someone and their girlfriend on campus this week and it just sucked, it was weird. I'm definitely over him, but it still hurt for some reason. I don't know, maybe because I don't like the girl. She's ugly and maybe I just don't want him to be happy. That's really inconsiderate of me...I have a problem. Haha. Oh and what really bothers me is the whole Nick situation. Things seemed to have been going really well, at least to me [guess I'm blind], then all of a sudden something happened and everything just came to a halt between us. It's weird. I'm still trying to figure it out because it bothers me and makes me wonder if I did anything. I don't know. I don't understand boys at all...no I take that back, I understand everyone else's boy problems but my own...go figure.
I'm really fed up with everything. I wish I could just pack up everything, move to an island, and just be a beach bum-sounds like a perfect plan to me..."If I'm gonna be down, I might as well be down, way down here" [one of Kenny Chesney's new songs] There's just so much that I wish I could escape from right now, I really just need to get away for a weekend and clear my head.
At this point I'm just hoping that I get a free weekend and maybe I'll drive to the beach and get away for a little while, sit on the beach, look out into the endless ocean with the smell of the salt air and clear my head. It's want I really need right now.
"Sometimes what we wish for isn't always what we want."
So it's been getting colder which makes me want to be in New York or at least Jersey. The cold weather just makes me miss it for some reason. At least I'm getting to wear some cute fall/winter clothes, haha. The cold weather also makes me lonely. Not that I'm depressed or anything, but when it's cold outside I just want to lay in my bed with a movie on and cuddle with someone, well I don't have that, at least not now and probably not anytime in the near future. I just miss the comfort of having someone there for me whenever. It has been a while since I have had that "boyfriend figure" and I just really miss it. I like being single and being able to do whatever the hell I want to do, but I'm kind of over it. That makes me sound really needy, but oh well. Speaking of relationships, I saw someone and their girlfriend on campus this week and it just sucked, it was weird. I'm definitely over him, but it still hurt for some reason. I don't know, maybe because I don't like the girl. She's ugly and maybe I just don't want him to be happy. That's really inconsiderate of me...I have a problem. Haha. Oh and what really bothers me is the whole Nick situation. Things seemed to have been going really well, at least to me [guess I'm blind], then all of a sudden something happened and everything just came to a halt between us. It's weird. I'm still trying to figure it out because it bothers me and makes me wonder if I did anything. I don't know. I don't understand boys at all...no I take that back, I understand everyone else's boy problems but my own...go figure.
I'm really fed up with everything. I wish I could just pack up everything, move to an island, and just be a beach bum-sounds like a perfect plan to me..."If I'm gonna be down, I might as well be down, way down here" [one of Kenny Chesney's new songs] There's just so much that I wish I could escape from right now, I really just need to get away for a weekend and clear my head.
Put off the mail and I left on a light and I locked up the house
And I jumped on a flight and I'm still by myself but I'm thinking more clear
If I'm gonna be down, gonna be down way down here
Where no one will ask cause nobody knows
That you're not in my life anymore
And no one can tell the salt water from my tears
No the pull of the tide or the crash of the waves
Ain't gonna wash your memory away
There's a beautiful view of the end of the world from the pier
If I'm gonna be down, I'm gonna be down way down here
Untied my lines and I slid through the sound and I mixed me a drink
Now I sit on the bow and I'm watching the sun just like you'll disappear
If I'm gonna be down, I'm gonna be down way down here
Where no one will ask cause nobody knows
That you're not in my life anymore
And no one can tell the salt water from my tears
No the pull of the tide or the crash of the waves
Ain't gonna wash your memory away
There's a beautiful view of the end of the world from the pier
If I'm gonna be down, I'm gonna be down way down here
If I'm gonna be down, I'd rather be down way down here
I know that's me running away from my problems again, but things just are not going the way I planned, or the way I want them to right now. But I guess we cannot always have what we want...welcome to reality. But if I have learned one thing from these last few weeks I know that I need to cherish each day and live life to the fullest because it can all be over in the blink of an eye. This just goes back to it being 4 years since jR's been gone and just a little over a week since Jarret's been gone. It's still really hard and I still have my momens, but I seem to be coping well. I know everyone who has left too soon is in a better place and I'll be seeing them again one day.At this point I'm just hoping that I get a free weekend and maybe I'll drive to the beach and get away for a little while, sit on the beach, look out into the endless ocean with the smell of the salt air and clear my head. It's want I really need right now.
"Sometimes what we wish for isn't always what we want."
Friday, October 17, 2008
Fearless...
Well this has been a rough week, but I got through it and I seem to be doing a lot better. I still have my moments though, it's tough losing someone. It's hard for people to know what to do for you or how to react because they have never had to deal with something like losing a friend, but there were a few people who were there for me through the last week and I thank them, sometimes in order to get through something tough like that you just need some great friends by your side.
On a happier note, Jamie took me to a concert at Tremont on Wednesday night and it was so much fun. I'm pretty much in love with the lead singer of Every Avenue. He's so gorgeous...ahh. And we also met Raven (from the Disney Channel) on Thursday and got our picture with her. It was very cool-she hugged me! Other than that nothing to exciting happened this week, we only had school for 2 days, so that was kinda nice, definitely not looking forward to this week though. I am really sick of the paper-it's mainly James I'm sick of. He's just an ass and thinks he's better than everyone else, but whatever karma will be the bigger bitch than I need to be. He'll get what's coming to him. Although, if he continues on his little war path, I will be quitting until he graduates, then I'll come back.
I am in desperate need of a vacation. I just need to get away for a little while. I just need to clear my head, there's a lot going on with school, family shit, and everything else that I just need some me time, maybe one weekend soon I can just slip out of here and go to the beach or something.
Well I guess I'm gonna go finish up some homework or something, maybe tonight I'll go out. But we will just see if that happens.
"There's always something to compromise when you're going after what you want."
On a happier note, Jamie took me to a concert at Tremont on Wednesday night and it was so much fun. I'm pretty much in love with the lead singer of Every Avenue. He's so gorgeous...ahh. And we also met Raven (from the Disney Channel) on Thursday and got our picture with her. It was very cool-she hugged me! Other than that nothing to exciting happened this week, we only had school for 2 days, so that was kinda nice, definitely not looking forward to this week though. I am really sick of the paper-it's mainly James I'm sick of. He's just an ass and thinks he's better than everyone else, but whatever karma will be the bigger bitch than I need to be. He'll get what's coming to him. Although, if he continues on his little war path, I will be quitting until he graduates, then I'll come back.
I am in desperate need of a vacation. I just need to get away for a little while. I just need to clear my head, there's a lot going on with school, family shit, and everything else that I just need some me time, maybe one weekend soon I can just slip out of here and go to the beach or something.
Well I guess I'm gonna go finish up some homework or something, maybe tonight I'll go out. But we will just see if that happens.
"There's always something to compromise when you're going after what you want."
Monday, October 13, 2008
When Will It All End? RIP JARRET SATCHELL...YOU WILL BE MISSED
I really don't know why this continues to happen, but it needs to stop. Young people need to learn, don't drink and drive!! I celebrated my 20th birthday Sunday by mourning the death of a former teammate and great friend. Jarret was a guy who touched so many lives in his short time here. He could always make people laugh no matter what kind of a mood they were in. He was a smart kid who had a bright future ahead of him. But early Sunday morning he made a decision that tragically ended his very short life. :'( :'( it's so sad to think such an amazing person was taken way too early. I'm really tore up about it, but I know Jarret would want us to remember all the good memories that we all had with him. Its just so hard. :'( :'( I really thought that I was done with losing friends. Especially after just last week marked 4 years since jR has been gone. I can't take much more of this...it hurts too much. But I will always be able to remember all of those times at track practice and all the meets and smile. Whenever I had a bad day at school, Jarret would always imitate Coach Lucas or just say something and he could make me smile and that bad day go away, he was special like that (: Those memories I will hold close to my heart. I can't believe you are gone Jarret, but I know you're in a better place smiling down on all of us here.
rest well sweet angel...i love and miss you
Jarret Satchell 2.10.90 - 10.12.08
you will be missed by all...please watch over us
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have."
rest well sweet angel...i love and miss you
Jarret Satchell 2.10.90 - 10.12.08
you will be missed by all...please watch over us
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have."
Sunday, October 5, 2008
In Loving Memory of JR Kerr 6.14.89-10.6.04
Right now I am supposed to be revising my English paper, but as you can see...that's not exactly getting done. Well it's midterm week...and of course I'm stressing and I'm going to be studying my ass off all week...how fun is that. I'm going back to Wake Forest Thursday to visit my parents and brother so that should be fun. I'm going to be ready to come back home though. I'd much rather be in Charlotte.
Not too much happened this weekend, because I'm a loser and studied and worked at the paper all weekend. But, I did go out Thursday night, and something very unexpected happened, but I'm actually kinda happy about it so we will see if anything comes of it (:
However I am a little frustrated with a certain someone who claims they aren't happy, but yet they continue to stay with their "significant other" knowing that they can do so much better. Whatever. I have tried to convince this certain person that whether it's hard to break up with someone or not, you have to think about yourself sometimes and what is best for you. You deserve to be just as happy. Yet that just doesn't seem to sink in. Guess there is nothing else I can do. I'm just going to have to be happy for that person even if it means seeing them somewhat miserable.
Well tomorrow is the anniversary of jR's death. I can't believe that it has been 4 years. It still makes me really sad to think about him not being around. And tomorrow is going to be tough for me like it is every October 6, but I have to remember that he is in a better place. "Sunny days seem to hurt the most, wear the pain like a heavy coat. I feel you everywhere I go. I see your smile, I see your face, I hear you laughing in the rain, still can't believe you're gone. It ain't fair you died too young, like a story that had just begun. The death tore the pages all away. God knows how I miss you, all the hell that I've been through, just knowing, no one could take your place, and sometimes I wonder...WHO YOU'D BE TODAY." -Kenny Chesney.
It has been really hard on me losing 9 friends during high school, and I just hope that no one ever has to go through what I did, and I just hope I don't have to go through the pain of losing another friend. Being a teenager and thinking that you're invincible is a great feeling, until you watch 9 friends lives end tragically-you definitely have a new appreciation for life and you learn how to take each day and seize every opportunity, because you don't know what tomorrow will hold.
R.I.P JR, Jamie, Stephen, AB, Tim, Baker, Steven, Sadiki, Neil
I miss all of you, but I know I'll be seeing you again someday
"I don't really believe in regrets. All my experienes, even the ones that didn't turn out the way I wanted them to, I firmly believe that they were all worth it." ::Gilmore Girls::
Not too much happened this weekend, because I'm a loser and studied and worked at the paper all weekend. But, I did go out Thursday night, and something very unexpected happened, but I'm actually kinda happy about it so we will see if anything comes of it (:
However I am a little frustrated with a certain someone who claims they aren't happy, but yet they continue to stay with their "significant other" knowing that they can do so much better. Whatever. I have tried to convince this certain person that whether it's hard to break up with someone or not, you have to think about yourself sometimes and what is best for you. You deserve to be just as happy. Yet that just doesn't seem to sink in. Guess there is nothing else I can do. I'm just going to have to be happy for that person even if it means seeing them somewhat miserable.
Well tomorrow is the anniversary of jR's death. I can't believe that it has been 4 years. It still makes me really sad to think about him not being around. And tomorrow is going to be tough for me like it is every October 6, but I have to remember that he is in a better place. "Sunny days seem to hurt the most, wear the pain like a heavy coat. I feel you everywhere I go. I see your smile, I see your face, I hear you laughing in the rain, still can't believe you're gone. It ain't fair you died too young, like a story that had just begun. The death tore the pages all away. God knows how I miss you, all the hell that I've been through, just knowing, no one could take your place, and sometimes I wonder...WHO YOU'D BE TODAY." -Kenny Chesney.
It has been really hard on me losing 9 friends during high school, and I just hope that no one ever has to go through what I did, and I just hope I don't have to go through the pain of losing another friend. Being a teenager and thinking that you're invincible is a great feeling, until you watch 9 friends lives end tragically-you definitely have a new appreciation for life and you learn how to take each day and seize every opportunity, because you don't know what tomorrow will hold.
R.I.P JR, Jamie, Stephen, AB, Tim, Baker, Steven, Sadiki, Neil
I miss all of you, but I know I'll be seeing you again someday
"I don't really believe in regrets. All my experienes, even the ones that didn't turn out the way I wanted them to, I firmly believe that they were all worth it." ::Gilmore Girls::
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Something's gotta change..
What a week it has been thus far. I am just in one of my moods and it doesn't help when everywhere I look on campus there are people holding hands, kissing, hugging, flirting, and just being gross. It's seriously almost as though it's national make Kristen aware she is single and alone week. I'm not sure why it bothers me, but it does. I just miss that comfort of having someone always there for me. But I also need to let people in sometimes, considering that I always think that everyone I meet will let me down, but that seems to be one constant pattern in my life, and I am constantly expecting people to just leave and/or let me down. Other than me being constantly reminded I have no boyfriend or anyone that I'm currently talking to, everything else is still stressful...go figure. School still hasn't calmed down. I seriously need a vacation! I really just wish I could get away from here for a while. I just want to lay on the beach somewhere far away, just look out into the never ending ocean and just forget about everything. Unfortunately that isn't going to happen. So all I can look forward to is fall break which can not come soon enough. I haven't been home in over a month so it'll be nice to just go home for a few days and maybe catch up on some sleep [minus the fact that I have to go to the eye doctor, I think I have been straining my eyes with as much as I'm studying and on the damn computer]. I got a 90 on my Spanish quiz...maybe things are starting to look up in that class-I have a test in there Tuesday which means I will have to study my ass off so that I can get an A on it. I really have to step up my game....good grades=Columbia. So basically I am going to be spending another weekend studying and doing homework because guess what next week is...that's right MIDTERMS! Awesome...I have to study for Global, Spanish, and write [actually revise] my English paper that took me 5 hours to write and I only got a B- on...WHAT THE FUCK!? Although, I'm not going to complain considering some people in the class got D's and F's. And on top of all the studying and homework this weekend, I have to cover two volleyball games, and a womens soccer game. What a fun-filled weekend I have to look forward to, I'm just soo excited. NOT. Well I guess I have procrastinated enough, guess it's back to the massive amount of homework and studying that is waiting for me.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Just For Jamie
So basically this is all my roommate Jamie's fault, for making me create this blog, but oh well she is pretty excited that I made it. I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to write about so...I guess I'll just talk abotu what has been going on recently. Things have been crazy lately. School [including the paper] has been extremely stressful. And on top of that stress I have been dealing with a lot of other unneeded stress. On the school side, Stat and Spanish are kicking my ass which means I really need to start stepping up my game if I ever want to see Journalism school. On the non-school side I'm just really fed up with people acting fake and using you when it's convenient for them, and a lot of it has to do with friends getting into new relationships and forgetting who their real friends are. It's really annoying me, but I'm learning how to brush it off because I can't let it bother me, it's really not worth it. This last month or so has definitely seen it's up and downs. The second I think things are starting to look up, it's like they just go right back to how they were. I guess at this point things can only look up.
"You've got to accept the fact that life isn't a fairy tale, things aren't always happily ever after. Things like magic wishes, Prince Charmings and true love don't happen in real life. Magic wishes come from money, Prince Charming's a shallow idiot with a bad haircut and overpriced clothes. And true love, Ha, true love is one-sided. You love him, he loves someone else. He loves you, you love someone else. Never quite works out does it? So you end up with some actor pretending to be your true love. Real considerate of someone to let you know reality was like that before being thrown into it. 'If you wish, it'll happen." Well, wish in one hand and crap in the other and see which one fills up faster. Welcome to reality. Enjoy your stay."
"You've got to accept the fact that life isn't a fairy tale, things aren't always happily ever after. Things like magic wishes, Prince Charmings and true love don't happen in real life. Magic wishes come from money, Prince Charming's a shallow idiot with a bad haircut and overpriced clothes. And true love, Ha, true love is one-sided. You love him, he loves someone else. He loves you, you love someone else. Never quite works out does it? So you end up with some actor pretending to be your true love. Real considerate of someone to let you know reality was like that before being thrown into it. 'If you wish, it'll happen." Well, wish in one hand and crap in the other and see which one fills up faster. Welcome to reality. Enjoy your stay."
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