There's So Much I Can't Say

The title of this blog basically speaks for itself...THERE'S SO MUCH I CAN'T SAY!!!!!



Among the things that I can say, I have a B in Spanish! I'm pretty excited! I have studied so hard for that class recently. I am trying so hard to keep my GPA up, I can't afford for it to go down especially with me having these big dreams of going to Journalism School. But I am doing pretty decent in school right now, I should be considering all the time I have devoted to studying and practically living in the damn library. It's all paying off! (:
So basketball season starts Thursday!! I'm pretty excited about that. It gives me something to look forward to considering this week is going to suck majorly-I have a Sociology and Spanish exam on Tuesday and an English paper due on Wednesday. Just awesome. Oh well I'll be fine...just going to study and write basically all weekend and have no life. :( Well there really is not much for me to say right now, because the things I want to say I can't, and it's killing me. But there really is not much I can do about it.

"All teenagers knew this was true. The process of growing up was nothing more than figuring out what doors hadn't yet been slammed in your face. For year's her own parents had told her that she could be anything, have anything, do anything. That was why she'd been so eager to grow up-until she got to adolescence and hit a big, fat wall of reality. As it turned out, she couldn't have anything she wanted. You didn't get to be pretty, or smart, or popular just because you wanted it. You didn't control your own destiny; you were too busy trying to fit in." -Jodi Picoult, The Tenth Circle

Maybe It's All For The Best, But I Don't See Any Good In This

I have so much on my mind and I don't even know where to start. This has just been another stressful week, but it's almost over...just one more class and it's the weekend, which is much needed besides the fact that I have to cover baseball all day Saturday, volleyball on Sunday and then work at the paper, and my parents are coming Friday to bring me my new glasses since apparently I strained my eyes bad by looking at the damn computer and studying all the freakin' time. So I really don't get much of a weekend to just relax. Ha, relax...what's that? Oh and somewhere in there I have to do a massive amount of homework/studying. Awesome.
So it's been getting colder which makes me want to be in New York or at least Jersey. The cold weather just makes me miss it for some reason. At least I'm getting to wear some cute fall/winter clothes, haha. The cold weather also makes me lonely. Not that I'm depressed or anything, but when it's cold outside I just want to lay in my bed with a movie on and cuddle with someone, well I don't have that, at least not now and probably not anytime in the near future. I just miss the comfort of having someone there for me whenever. It has been a while since I have had that "boyfriend figure" and I just really miss it. I like being single and being able to do whatever the hell I want to do, but I'm kind of over it. That makes me sound really needy, but oh well. Speaking of relationships, I saw someone and their girlfriend on campus this week and it just sucked, it was weird. I'm definitely over him, but it still hurt for some reason. I don't know, maybe because I don't like the girl. She's ugly and maybe I just don't want him to be happy. That's really inconsiderate of me...I have a problem. Haha. Oh and what really bothers me is the whole Nick situation. Things seemed to have been going really well, at least to me [guess I'm blind], then all of a sudden something happened and everything just came to a halt between us. It's weird. I'm still trying to figure it out because it bothers me and makes me wonder if I did anything. I don't know. I don't understand boys at all...no I take that back, I understand everyone else's boy problems but my own...go figure.
I'm really fed up with everything. I wish I could just pack up everything, move to an island, and just be a beach bum-sounds like a perfect plan to me..."If I'm gonna be down, I might as well be down, way down here" [one of Kenny Chesney's new songs] There's just so much that I wish I could escape from right now, I really just need to get away for a weekend and clear my head.

Put off the mail and I left on a light and I locked up the house

And I jumped on a flight and I'm still by myself but I'm thinking more clear

If I'm gonna be down, gonna be down way down here

Where no one will ask cause nobody knows

That you're not in my life anymore

And no one can tell the salt water from my tears

No the pull of the tide or the crash of the waves

Ain't gonna wash your memory away

There's a beautiful view of the end of the world from the pier

If I'm gonna be down, I'm gonna be down way down here

Untied my lines and I slid through the sound and I mixed me a drink

Now I sit on the bow and I'm watching the sun just like you'll disappear

If I'm gonna be down, I'm gonna be down way down here

Where no one will ask cause nobody knows

That you're not in my life anymore

And no one can tell the salt water from my tears

No the pull of the tide or the crash of the waves

Ain't gonna wash your memory away

There's a beautiful view of the end of the world from the pier

If I'm gonna be down, I'm gonna be down way down here

If I'm gonna be down, I'd rather be down way down here

I know that's me running away from my problems again, but things just are not going the way I planned, or the way I want them to right now. But I guess we cannot always have what we want...welcome to reality. But if I have learned one thing from these last few weeks I know that I need to cherish each day and live life to the fullest because it can all be over in the blink of an eye. This just goes back to it being 4 years since jR's been gone and just a little over a week since Jarret's been gone. It's still really hard and I still have my momens, but I seem to be coping well. I know everyone who has left too soon is in a better place and I'll be seeing them again one day.
At this point I'm just hoping that I get a free weekend and maybe I'll drive to the beach and get away for a little while, sit on the beach, look out into the endless ocean with the smell of the salt air and clear my head. It's want I really need right now.


"Sometimes what we wish for isn't always what we want."

Fearless...

Well this has been a rough week, but I got through it and I seem to be doing a lot better. I still have my moments though, it's tough losing someone. It's hard for people to know what to do for you or how to react because they have never had to deal with something like losing a friend, but there were a few people who were there for me through the last week and I thank them, sometimes in order to get through something tough like that you just need some great friends by your side.

On a happier note, Jamie took me to a concert at Tremont on Wednesday night and it was so much fun. I'm pretty much in love with the lead singer of Every Avenue. He's so gorgeous...ahh. And we also met Raven (from the Disney Channel) on Thursday and got our picture with her. It was very cool-she hugged me! Other than that nothing to exciting happened this week, we only had school for 2 days, so that was kinda nice, definitely not looking forward to this week though. I am really sick of the paper-it's mainly James I'm sick of. He's just an ass and thinks he's better than everyone else, but whatever karma will be the bigger bitch than I need to be. He'll get what's coming to him. Although, if he continues on his little war path, I will be quitting until he graduates, then I'll come back.

I am in desperate need of a vacation. I just need to get away for a little while. I just need to clear my head, there's a lot going on with school, family shit, and everything else that I just need some me time, maybe one weekend soon I can just slip out of here and go to the beach or something.

Well I guess I'm gonna go finish up some homework or something, maybe tonight I'll go out. But we will just see if that happens.

"There's always something to compromise when you're going after what you want."

When Will It All End? RIP JARRET SATCHELL...YOU WILL BE MISSED

I really don't know why this continues to happen, but it needs to stop. Young people need to learn, don't drink and drive!! I celebrated my 20th birthday Sunday by mourning the death of a former teammate and great friend. Jarret was a guy who touched so many lives in his short time here. He could always make people laugh no matter what kind of a mood they were in. He was a smart kid who had a bright future ahead of him. But early Sunday morning he made a decision that tragically ended his very short life. :'( :'( it's so sad to think such an amazing person was taken way too early. I'm really tore up about it, but I know Jarret would want us to remember all the good memories that we all had with him. Its just so hard. :'( :'( I really thought that I was done with losing friends. Especially after just last week marked 4 years since jR has been gone. I can't take much more of this...it hurts too much. But I will always be able to remember all of those times at track practice and all the meets and smile. Whenever I had a bad day at school, Jarret would always imitate Coach Lucas or just say something and he could make me smile and that bad day go away, he was special like that (: Those memories I will hold close to my heart. I can't believe you are gone Jarret, but I know you're in a better place smiling down on all of us here.

rest well sweet angel...i love and miss you
Jarret Satchell 2.10.90 - 10.12.08
you will be missed by all...please watch over us

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have."

In Loving Memory of JR Kerr 6.14.89-10.6.04

Right now I am supposed to be revising my English paper, but as you can see...that's not exactly getting done. Well it's midterm week...and of course I'm stressing and I'm going to be studying my ass off all week...how fun is that. I'm going back to Wake Forest Thursday to visit my parents and brother so that should be fun. I'm going to be ready to come back home though. I'd much rather be in Charlotte.
Not too much happened this weekend, because I'm a loser and studied and worked at the paper all weekend. But, I did go out Thursday night, and something very unexpected happened, but I'm actually kinda happy about it so we will see if anything comes of it (:
However I am a little frustrated with a certain someone who claims they aren't happy, but yet they continue to stay with their "significant other" knowing that they can do so much better. Whatever. I have tried to convince this certain person that whether it's hard to break up with someone or not, you have to think about yourself sometimes and what is best for you. You deserve to be just as happy. Yet that just doesn't seem to sink in. Guess there is nothing else I can do. I'm just going to have to be happy for that person even if it means seeing them somewhat miserable.
Well tomorrow is the anniversary of jR's death. I can't believe that it has been 4 years. It still makes me really sad to think about him not being around. And tomorrow is going to be tough for me like it is every October 6, but I have to remember that he is in a better place. "Sunny days seem to hurt the most, wear the pain like a heavy coat. I feel you everywhere I go. I see your smile, I see your face, I hear you laughing in the rain, still can't believe you're gone. It ain't fair you died too young, like a story that had just begun. The death tore the pages all away. God knows how I miss you, all the hell that I've been through, just knowing, no one could take your place, and sometimes I wonder...WHO YOU'D BE TODAY." -Kenny Chesney.
It has been really hard on me losing 9 friends during high school, and I just hope that no one ever has to go through what I did, and I just hope I don't have to go through the pain of losing another friend. Being a teenager and thinking that you're invincible is a great feeling, until you watch 9 friends lives end tragically-you definitely have a new appreciation for life and you learn how to take each day and seize every opportunity, because you don't know what tomorrow will hold.
R.I.P JR, Jamie, Stephen, AB, Tim, Baker, Steven, Sadiki, Neil
I miss all of you, but I know I'll be seeing you again someday

"I don't really believe in regrets. All my experienes, even the ones that didn't turn out the way I wanted them to, I firmly believe that they were all worth it." ::Gilmore Girls::

Something's gotta change..

What a week it has been thus far. I am just in one of my moods and it doesn't help when everywhere I look on campus there are people holding hands, kissing, hugging, flirting, and just being gross. It's seriously almost as though it's national make Kristen aware she is single and alone week. I'm not sure why it bothers me, but it does. I just miss that comfort of having someone always there for me. But I also need to let people in sometimes, considering that I always think that everyone I meet will let me down, but that seems to be one constant pattern in my life, and I am constantly expecting people to just leave and/or let me down. Other than me being constantly reminded I have no boyfriend or anyone that I'm currently talking to, everything else is still stressful...go figure. School still hasn't calmed down. I seriously need a vacation! I really just wish I could get away from here for a while. I just want to lay on the beach somewhere far away, just look out into the never ending ocean and just forget about everything. Unfortunately that isn't going to happen. So all I can look forward to is fall break which can not come soon enough. I haven't been home in over a month so it'll be nice to just go home for a few days and maybe catch up on some sleep [minus the fact that I have to go to the eye doctor, I think I have been straining my eyes with as much as I'm studying and on the damn computer]. I got a 90 on my Spanish quiz...maybe things are starting to look up in that class-I have a test in there Tuesday which means I will have to study my ass off so that I can get an A on it. I really have to step up my game....good grades=Columbia. So basically I am going to be spending another weekend studying and doing homework because guess what next week is...that's right MIDTERMS! Awesome...I have to study for Global, Spanish, and write [actually revise] my English paper that took me 5 hours to write and I only got a B- on...WHAT THE FUCK!? Although, I'm not going to complain considering some people in the class got D's and F's. And on top of all the studying and homework this weekend, I have to cover two volleyball games, and a womens soccer game. What a fun-filled weekend I have to look forward to, I'm just soo excited. NOT. Well I guess I have procrastinated enough, guess it's back to the massive amount of homework and studying that is waiting for me.