Maybe It's All For The Best, But I Don't See Any Good In This

I have so much on my mind and I don't even know where to start. This has just been another stressful week, but it's almost over...just one more class and it's the weekend, which is much needed besides the fact that I have to cover baseball all day Saturday, volleyball on Sunday and then work at the paper, and my parents are coming Friday to bring me my new glasses since apparently I strained my eyes bad by looking at the damn computer and studying all the freakin' time. So I really don't get much of a weekend to just relax. Ha, relax...what's that? Oh and somewhere in there I have to do a massive amount of homework/studying. Awesome.
So it's been getting colder which makes me want to be in New York or at least Jersey. The cold weather just makes me miss it for some reason. At least I'm getting to wear some cute fall/winter clothes, haha. The cold weather also makes me lonely. Not that I'm depressed or anything, but when it's cold outside I just want to lay in my bed with a movie on and cuddle with someone, well I don't have that, at least not now and probably not anytime in the near future. I just miss the comfort of having someone there for me whenever. It has been a while since I have had that "boyfriend figure" and I just really miss it. I like being single and being able to do whatever the hell I want to do, but I'm kind of over it. That makes me sound really needy, but oh well. Speaking of relationships, I saw someone and their girlfriend on campus this week and it just sucked, it was weird. I'm definitely over him, but it still hurt for some reason. I don't know, maybe because I don't like the girl. She's ugly and maybe I just don't want him to be happy. That's really inconsiderate of me...I have a problem. Haha. Oh and what really bothers me is the whole Nick situation. Things seemed to have been going really well, at least to me [guess I'm blind], then all of a sudden something happened and everything just came to a halt between us. It's weird. I'm still trying to figure it out because it bothers me and makes me wonder if I did anything. I don't know. I don't understand boys at all...no I take that back, I understand everyone else's boy problems but my own...go figure.
I'm really fed up with everything. I wish I could just pack up everything, move to an island, and just be a beach bum-sounds like a perfect plan to me..."If I'm gonna be down, I might as well be down, way down here" [one of Kenny Chesney's new songs] There's just so much that I wish I could escape from right now, I really just need to get away for a weekend and clear my head.

Put off the mail and I left on a light and I locked up the house

And I jumped on a flight and I'm still by myself but I'm thinking more clear

If I'm gonna be down, gonna be down way down here

Where no one will ask cause nobody knows

That you're not in my life anymore

And no one can tell the salt water from my tears

No the pull of the tide or the crash of the waves

Ain't gonna wash your memory away

There's a beautiful view of the end of the world from the pier

If I'm gonna be down, I'm gonna be down way down here

Untied my lines and I slid through the sound and I mixed me a drink

Now I sit on the bow and I'm watching the sun just like you'll disappear

If I'm gonna be down, I'm gonna be down way down here

Where no one will ask cause nobody knows

That you're not in my life anymore

And no one can tell the salt water from my tears

No the pull of the tide or the crash of the waves

Ain't gonna wash your memory away

There's a beautiful view of the end of the world from the pier

If I'm gonna be down, I'm gonna be down way down here

If I'm gonna be down, I'd rather be down way down here

I know that's me running away from my problems again, but things just are not going the way I planned, or the way I want them to right now. But I guess we cannot always have what we want...welcome to reality. But if I have learned one thing from these last few weeks I know that I need to cherish each day and live life to the fullest because it can all be over in the blink of an eye. This just goes back to it being 4 years since jR's been gone and just a little over a week since Jarret's been gone. It's still really hard and I still have my momens, but I seem to be coping well. I know everyone who has left too soon is in a better place and I'll be seeing them again one day.
At this point I'm just hoping that I get a free weekend and maybe I'll drive to the beach and get away for a little while, sit on the beach, look out into the endless ocean with the smell of the salt air and clear my head. It's want I really need right now.


"Sometimes what we wish for isn't always what we want."