I'm Not Breaking

So evidently I'm a bitch and drove Zack to insanity because I wouldn't have sex with him. Really, grow the fuck up! That's my decision. And the fact that I didn't meet all his needs, again use your fucking hand buddy. I'm not a trashy whore and we weren't even dating, we were just "talking" and I'm not going to be a little trashy slut to make you happy. I just seriously can't deal with boys anymore. I'm over it. Unless someone can prove to me that not all guys are the same, and they don't feed me bullshit lies then maybe I will change my mind. I'm just so hurt right now, I don't understand how someone could just say something like that to me, or anyone for that matter. Just hits you below the belt and almost breaks your heart. But what can you do, that's what happens to me, things never do quite work out. 

"The struggles I'm facing, the chances I'm taking, Sometimes they knock me down but I'm not breaking." ::Miley Cyrus, The Climb

Invisible

I am so ready for this semester to be over. I just need to get away from Charlotte for a while. I just don't want to be here anymore. I wish I was spending this summer in ENGLAND, rather than next summer.
I'm just tired of opening myself up to people and then they let me down like always. Zack and I decided to give things other shot, what the hell was I thinking...that's just it-I wasn't! So he came over the other night and we talked, watched a movie, and it was like nothing ever happened between us. Now, I swear he's fucking bi-polar because he won't talk to me. Whatever I'm over it. I can't let someone like him get in the way. I just really need a decent guy to walk into my life, but as pessimistic as it sounds, I'm not going to hold my breath.
On a happier note, I got an internship which I'm pretty excited about, and I found out I'm spending next summer in England! I am so excited-like I said I wish I was going this summer, but it gives me something to look forward to. Speaking of this summer, I think I'm going back to Wake Forest for a while, then spending the summer at the beach, and of course going to NYC for a week or so. I honestly have no reason to be in Charlotte anymore, except school.
Well I probably should get to work on some of these papers...

"All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players. They have their exits and their entrances. And one man in his time plays many parts. " ::Shakespeare, As You Like It, Act II, Scene VII::

You Were Never Really There At All

This is a long overdue post, I have just been so busy and I guess I was putting off writing about how I feel like things are falling apart and how I need a things to change. I'm just going to make my little sob story short and sweet. The one guy who I have had a thing for for like forever (the one who has a "girlfriend") is basically in love with someone else. There's nothing I can do about it, but it's just like a low blow to know that that girl will not be me, and it sucks, when I have to hear him talk about her. But I guess one of the hardest things in life is being happy for other people. So I started talking to Zack, and thought things might actually work, wow was I wrong. Things were fine for like two weeks and then I started to notice things. I started picking stupid fights because I'm an idiot and Friday night when I got back to Charlotte I went over there and he was being negative about everything and he was taking his bad mood out on me and I was not going to deal with him. So I left. And he didn't come outside after me. That told me something and let me know it's not worth fighting for. It's bad enough I lost one friend because I started talking to him. I should have known from the start he was bad news after finding the picture of a half-naked girl on his phone. That should have thrown up a red flag. I just think this is all a sign that I'm not supposed to be in a relationship, or be happy with someone else right now. I think this is all a sign that I need to be happy with myself, and strive to do my best in everything so I can get the hell out of North Carolina in a year and a half and move to Florida. I need a change. I major change. If I had it my way, I'd pick up and move at the beginning of the school year. I need a fresh start where no one knows anything. That kind of seems like I'm just running from things or trying to escape everything, but I'm not. I just want a fresh start. A clean slate. A blank page.

"You don't know what goes on in anyone's life but your own. And when you mess with one part of a person's life, you're not messing with just that part. Unfortunately, you can't be that precise and selective. When you mess with one part of a person's life, you're messing with their entire life. Everything affects everything." --Jay Asher, Thirteen Reasons Why

People Always Leave...

I hoped this year things would be different and everything would work out the way I wanted it to, but I should have known that was too good to be true. I need to get out of my little fantasy world where I am the princess and I get everything. Something always happens, but hey it was good to hold onto that little bit of hope that everything would be perfect for a little while.


"I thought I lost you somewhere, but you were never really there at all." --Goo Goo Dolls

I Don't Have To Live This Way

I am officially done...I'm over liking Ryan. Everyone told me I would get tired of waiting around for something to happen and I am. He has a girlfriend and she isn't going anywhere anytime soon because he is so used to be with her and I've come to realize he is afraid of change, therefore nothing is going to happen. I am just wasting my time sitting around waiting for something to happen with him when I know nothing will and I'm closing myself off to other opportunities. So I'm done. I'm going to start 2009 off not worring about stupid stuff like this anymore, it's time for things to change...

"Life is an interesting journey. You never know where it will take you. Peaks and valleys, twists and turns. You can get the surprise of your life. Sometimes on the way to where you're going you might think this is worst time of my life, but you know what, at the end of the road through all the adversity if you can get to where you wanted to be, you remember whatever don't kill you will make you stronger, and all the adversity was worth it. On your way to the top, you'll do anything, but how do you get your life back when you get there?" ::T.I::

Every End Is Just A New Beginning...

As 2008 comes to a close, I think it's only fitting that I do a brief recap of my year...the year definitely saw it's ups and downs, however I think it had more downs than anything. The year started off alright but then kind of went into a downward spiral. The spring semester of my freshman year was miserable-I never wanted to be in my room because I hated my roommate sooo much, and I definitely couldn't wait to get out of there! Then moving back home after being on my own for a whole year was kind of weird. I came back to find things completely different than how I left them. Friends were different, living back with my parents was weird...I was back to rules and curfews when I was so used to doing what I want when I wanted. But I spent pretty much the whole summer by the pool or at the beach since my grandmother was in and out of the hospital the whole time. Although, I did go to New York for a while, which was really nice-I miss it up there. I also got to go to another Yankees game, even though this was the last one in the ORIGINAL Yankee Stadium-I love going there because there's so much history and so many great players once played there....it's sad they are tearing it down :( Hmm...moved into my new apartment with amazing roommates (: . I lost a great friend--Jarret Satchell..I miss you so much, watch over us. That was really rough...he died from injuries in a car accident on my birthday and I'm still not over it completely because I definitely have my days where I just can't figure out why things like this happen. It's just really hard losing friends and I say this often but I really hope that no one has to go through it as many times as I have had to go through it. Oh, I started liking one of my best guy friends and that was a huge mistake...and is going absolutely no where...I'm pretty fed up with it now and I'm pretty sure I'm over it...I haven't even heard from him once over Winter Break (except for one text message on Christmas). Maybe it's because he has a girlfriend, but whatever I'm done...he's a waste of time. I made it through the semester from hell and my grades weren't as bad as I thought they were gonna be. Winter Break hasn't been that bad...not going to lie, I'm kind of bored, and can't wait to go back to Charlotte, but that's to be expected I guess-I'll be back soon enough. And that's pretty much my 2008 in a nutshell. I know 2009 is going to be a lot better, after the not so great 2008-I can only hope...


"Every story has to end, but in life every end is just a new beginning." ::Uptown Girls::

Tears Run Down My Face

Well the semester is over, kinda...still have 4 finals and a paper to write, which right now I'm procrastinating on studying and writing [not a good thing]...so the semester from hell will officially be over December 18.
So I have been really hurt lately and I have done a good job of hiding my pain. I feel like everything is going wrong and there is nothing that I can do to stop my world from falling into this downward spiral. I really just wish that everything would stop.
I'm still not over Jarret's death. It still hurts, especially when I was back in Wake Forest over Thanksgiving and I went to visit him, and then I happened to come across some old pictures from track meets. It's just hard when someone is missing from your life and you know you can't see them again. I had a dream about him the other night and my mom said that it just means I'm thinking about him and he's still around by watching over me and everyone else. It hurts every day, but I think I'm doing a good job of hiding my emotions-I feel like I have to be strong, because if I cry it shows that I'm weak [I'm weird, I know]. However, the other day I did call Casey crying and tried to convince him that I wasn't, but he came over to give me a hug and make sure I was ok. It was really sweet of him, and he told me that it was ok to cry, because I'm weird and don't like to cry and don't like when people see me crying. You'd think after going through this many times before it'd be a little easier, but I swear it gets harder and harder every time, and some days are just harder than others. I just hope he knows that I think about him constantly and miss him. I just know he is my guardian angel.
On a happier note, I'm pretty much addicted Taylor Swift's new album...I swear I've listened to every song like 93939696934 times. It really doesn't matter what song it is, but I seem to find somehow to relate it to my life. I'm such a loser when I start relating songs and quotes to my life.
Well, someone still hasn't broken up with their girlfriend, which is irritating me day by day because I don't understand how you don't even acknowledge that you are dating someone, and when you know they are coming you put their picture up, and take it down as soon as they leave. How does that work? Are you that unhappy that you are embarrassed, but yet you won't grow the balls to break up with them? Whatever. Even though I quite possibly have a "thing" for this person, I'm getting really fed up, especially when I know that everything that I want to happen won't. So I really don't even know what the point in trying is...it's really not worth it anymore. My feelings for him are not going to go away, but I'm just going to have go move on, I really can't get involved with something like that.
Since I'm venting about 'him' I might as well vent about other things...first of all, I'm frustrated with the previous situation. Second of all, my parents are definitely moving to Tampa within the next year or so. I mean I'm not mad that they are moving, because my family can't stay still, plus it's not like I'm moving to Florida, I mean I might possibly end up at the University of Florida for Journalism School, but it's just weird to think that I'm going to have to pack up the room that I spent my high school years in. That's the house that holds a lot of memories. The Hills on Monday night made me think of all of this because Lauren was packing up her old room, and it was easy to relate to because my house is where I had my first kiss, that's where I had my graduation party, where I got ready for Junior and Senior Prom, where an ex-boyfriend told me he loved me for the first time. My room is the room I cried in so many times, where I had so many long talks with old friends, where I drank for the first time on New Years before going to a party with Steven and then where Jenni and I came back to pass out because we definitely drank too much. That house is where I had my first real party, where everyone came before football games, and where everyone came to get ready and take pictures before dances. That's where I got my rejection letter from Carolina, and where I got my Charlotte acceptance letter. It's just wierd knowing that pretty soon someone is going to buy that house and be living with all of my memories. The whole moving part is not a big deal, because like I said we move all the time, but I lived in that house for 4 years, my high school years, so it holds so many memories that another house could never replace. It just sucks. Third thing that is bothering me is that I feel like I go out of my way all the time for people and get nothing in return. Why can I make other people happy, but I can't make myself happy? I can't figure it out. You'd think I could make myself happy, but it seems like everytime I try to go after something that makes me happy, it gets blow up in my face and I get screwed in the end...pretty much the story of my life. Maybe one of these days, things will turn around and everything will go right, but I guess life has a way of kicking us down, before letting us see the good things.


"Stop planning your life and let it plan itself. Quit trying to find the perfect boy and let him find you. If you don't want drama, then don't talk shit. Things are only as complicated as you make them."

Maybe I'm just making things more complicated??