I am officially done...I'm over liking Ryan. Everyone told me I would get tired of waiting around for something to happen and I am. He has a girlfriend and she isn't going anywhere anytime soon because he is so used to be with her and I've come to realize he is afraid of change, therefore nothing is going to happen. I am just wasting my time sitting around waiting for something to happen with him when I know nothing will and I'm closing myself off to other opportunities. So I'm done. I'm going to start 2009 off not worring about stupid stuff like this anymore, it's time for things to change...
"Life is an interesting journey. You never know where it will take you. Peaks and valleys, twists and turns. You can get the surprise of your life. Sometimes on the way to where you're going you might think this is worst time of my life, but you know what, at the end of the road through all the adversity if you can get to where you wanted to be, you remember whatever don't kill you will make you stronger, and all the adversity was worth it. On your way to the top, you'll do anything, but how do you get your life back when you get there?" ::T.I::
Monday, December 29, 2008
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Every End Is Just A New Beginning...
As 2008 comes to a close, I think it's only fitting that I do a brief recap of my year...the year definitely saw it's ups and downs, however I think it had more downs than anything. The year started off alright but then kind of went into a downward spiral. The spring semester of my freshman year was miserable-I never wanted to be in my room because I hated my roommate sooo much, and I definitely couldn't wait to get out of there! Then moving back home after being on my own for a whole year was kind of weird. I came back to find things completely different than how I left them. Friends were different, living back with my parents was weird...I was back to rules and curfews when I was so used to doing what I want when I wanted. But I spent pretty much the whole summer by the pool or at the beach since my grandmother was in and out of the hospital the whole time. Although, I did go to New York for a while, which was really nice-I miss it up there. I also got to go to another Yankees game, even though this was the last one in the ORIGINAL Yankee Stadium-I love going there because there's so much history and so many great players once played there....it's sad they are tearing it down :( Hmm...moved into my new apartment with amazing roommates (: . I lost a great friend--Jarret Satchell..I miss you so much, watch over us. That was really rough...he died from injuries in a car accident on my birthday and I'm still not over it completely because I definitely have my days where I just can't figure out why things like this happen. It's just really hard losing friends and I say this often but I really hope that no one has to go through it as many times as I have had to go through it. Oh, I started liking one of my best guy friends and that was a huge mistake...and is going absolutely no where...I'm pretty fed up with it now and I'm pretty sure I'm over it...I haven't even heard from him once over Winter Break (except for one text message on Christmas). Maybe it's because he has a girlfriend, but whatever I'm done...he's a waste of time. I made it through the semester from hell and my grades weren't as bad as I thought they were gonna be. Winter Break hasn't been that bad...not going to lie, I'm kind of bored, and can't wait to go back to Charlotte, but that's to be expected I guess-I'll be back soon enough. And that's pretty much my 2008 in a nutshell. I know 2009 is going to be a lot better, after the not so great 2008-I can only hope...
"Every story has to end, but in life every end is just a new beginning." ::Uptown Girls::
"Every story has to end, but in life every end is just a new beginning." ::Uptown Girls::
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Tears Run Down My Face
Well the semester is over, kinda...still have 4 finals and a paper to write, which right now I'm procrastinating on studying and writing [not a good thing]...so the semester from hell will officially be over December 18.
So I have been really hurt lately and I have done a good job of hiding my pain. I feel like everything is going wrong and there is nothing that I can do to stop my world from falling into this downward spiral. I really just wish that everything would stop.
I'm still not over Jarret's death. It still hurts, especially when I was back in Wake Forest over Thanksgiving and I went to visit him, and then I happened to come across some old pictures from track meets. It's just hard when someone is missing from your life and you know you can't see them again. I had a dream about him the other night and my mom said that it just means I'm thinking about him and he's still around by watching over me and everyone else. It hurts every day, but I think I'm doing a good job of hiding my emotions-I feel like I have to be strong, because if I cry it shows that I'm weak [I'm weird, I know]. However, the other day I did call Casey crying and tried to convince him that I wasn't, but he came over to give me a hug and make sure I was ok. It was really sweet of him, and he told me that it was ok to cry, because I'm weird and don't like to cry and don't like when people see me crying. You'd think after going through this many times before it'd be a little easier, but I swear it gets harder and harder every time, and some days are just harder than others. I just hope he knows that I think about him constantly and miss him. I just know he is my guardian angel.
On a happier note, I'm pretty much addicted Taylor Swift's new album...I swear I've listened to every song like 93939696934 times. It really doesn't matter what song it is, but I seem to find somehow to relate it to my life. I'm such a loser when I start relating songs and quotes to my life.
Well, someone still hasn't broken up with their girlfriend, which is irritating me day by day because I don't understand how you don't even acknowledge that you are dating someone, and when you know they are coming you put their picture up, and take it down as soon as they leave. How does that work? Are you that unhappy that you are embarrassed, but yet you won't grow the balls to break up with them? Whatever. Even though I quite possibly have a "thing" for this person, I'm getting really fed up, especially when I know that everything that I want to happen won't. So I really don't even know what the point in trying is...it's really not worth it anymore. My feelings for him are not going to go away, but I'm just going to have go move on, I really can't get involved with something like that.
Since I'm venting about 'him' I might as well vent about other things...first of all, I'm frustrated with the previous situation. Second of all, my parents are definitely moving to Tampa within the next year or so. I mean I'm not mad that they are moving, because my family can't stay still, plus it's not like I'm moving to Florida, I mean I might possibly end up at the University of Florida for Journalism School, but it's just weird to think that I'm going to have to pack up the room that I spent my high school years in. That's the house that holds a lot of memories. The Hills on Monday night made me think of all of this because Lauren was packing up her old room, and it was easy to relate to because my house is where I had my first kiss, that's where I had my graduation party, where I got ready for Junior and Senior Prom, where an ex-boyfriend told me he loved me for the first time. My room is the room I cried in so many times, where I had so many long talks with old friends, where I drank for the first time on New Years before going to a party with Steven and then where Jenni and I came back to pass out because we definitely drank too much. That house is where I had my first real party, where everyone came before football games, and where everyone came to get ready and take pictures before dances. That's where I got my rejection letter from Carolina, and where I got my Charlotte acceptance letter. It's just wierd knowing that pretty soon someone is going to buy that house and be living with all of my memories. The whole moving part is not a big deal, because like I said we move all the time, but I lived in that house for 4 years, my high school years, so it holds so many memories that another house could never replace. It just sucks. Third thing that is bothering me is that I feel like I go out of my way all the time for people and get nothing in return. Why can I make other people happy, but I can't make myself happy? I can't figure it out. You'd think I could make myself happy, but it seems like everytime I try to go after something that makes me happy, it gets blow up in my face and I get screwed in the end...pretty much the story of my life. Maybe one of these days, things will turn around and everything will go right, but I guess life has a way of kicking us down, before letting us see the good things.
"Stop planning your life and let it plan itself. Quit trying to find the perfect boy and let him find you. If you don't want drama, then don't talk shit. Things are only as complicated as you make them."
Maybe I'm just making things more complicated??
So I have been really hurt lately and I have done a good job of hiding my pain. I feel like everything is going wrong and there is nothing that I can do to stop my world from falling into this downward spiral. I really just wish that everything would stop.
I'm still not over Jarret's death. It still hurts, especially when I was back in Wake Forest over Thanksgiving and I went to visit him, and then I happened to come across some old pictures from track meets. It's just hard when someone is missing from your life and you know you can't see them again. I had a dream about him the other night and my mom said that it just means I'm thinking about him and he's still around by watching over me and everyone else. It hurts every day, but I think I'm doing a good job of hiding my emotions-I feel like I have to be strong, because if I cry it shows that I'm weak [I'm weird, I know]. However, the other day I did call Casey crying and tried to convince him that I wasn't, but he came over to give me a hug and make sure I was ok. It was really sweet of him, and he told me that it was ok to cry, because I'm weird and don't like to cry and don't like when people see me crying. You'd think after going through this many times before it'd be a little easier, but I swear it gets harder and harder every time, and some days are just harder than others. I just hope he knows that I think about him constantly and miss him. I just know he is my guardian angel.
On a happier note, I'm pretty much addicted Taylor Swift's new album...I swear I've listened to every song like 93939696934 times. It really doesn't matter what song it is, but I seem to find somehow to relate it to my life. I'm such a loser when I start relating songs and quotes to my life.
Well, someone still hasn't broken up with their girlfriend, which is irritating me day by day because I don't understand how you don't even acknowledge that you are dating someone, and when you know they are coming you put their picture up, and take it down as soon as they leave. How does that work? Are you that unhappy that you are embarrassed, but yet you won't grow the balls to break up with them? Whatever. Even though I quite possibly have a "thing" for this person, I'm getting really fed up, especially when I know that everything that I want to happen won't. So I really don't even know what the point in trying is...it's really not worth it anymore. My feelings for him are not going to go away, but I'm just going to have go move on, I really can't get involved with something like that.
Since I'm venting about 'him' I might as well vent about other things...first of all, I'm frustrated with the previous situation. Second of all, my parents are definitely moving to Tampa within the next year or so. I mean I'm not mad that they are moving, because my family can't stay still, plus it's not like I'm moving to Florida, I mean I might possibly end up at the University of Florida for Journalism School, but it's just weird to think that I'm going to have to pack up the room that I spent my high school years in. That's the house that holds a lot of memories. The Hills on Monday night made me think of all of this because Lauren was packing up her old room, and it was easy to relate to because my house is where I had my first kiss, that's where I had my graduation party, where I got ready for Junior and Senior Prom, where an ex-boyfriend told me he loved me for the first time. My room is the room I cried in so many times, where I had so many long talks with old friends, where I drank for the first time on New Years before going to a party with Steven and then where Jenni and I came back to pass out because we definitely drank too much. That house is where I had my first real party, where everyone came before football games, and where everyone came to get ready and take pictures before dances. That's where I got my rejection letter from Carolina, and where I got my Charlotte acceptance letter. It's just wierd knowing that pretty soon someone is going to buy that house and be living with all of my memories. The whole moving part is not a big deal, because like I said we move all the time, but I lived in that house for 4 years, my high school years, so it holds so many memories that another house could never replace. It just sucks. Third thing that is bothering me is that I feel like I go out of my way all the time for people and get nothing in return. Why can I make other people happy, but I can't make myself happy? I can't figure it out. You'd think I could make myself happy, but it seems like everytime I try to go after something that makes me happy, it gets blow up in my face and I get screwed in the end...pretty much the story of my life. Maybe one of these days, things will turn around and everything will go right, but I guess life has a way of kicking us down, before letting us see the good things.
"Stop planning your life and let it plan itself. Quit trying to find the perfect boy and let him find you. If you don't want drama, then don't talk shit. Things are only as complicated as you make them."
Maybe I'm just making things more complicated??
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Just Breathe
So lately I feel like there isn't enough time in the day for me to breathe. Maybe it's good that I have been kept busy and haven't had time to stop and think because I have really just had a tough last couple of months.
I still have my days where I have to pretend like everything is ok, when I'm really going to break down and cry. Every since Jarret passed away in October I have pretty much been a mess, but I have done a pretty good job of trying to keep my composure, it's tough but you never know how strong you are when being strong is the only option you have. The other day I couldn't pretend to be strong anymore and I just broke down big time, but I guess sometimes you just need to do that every once in a while. I know that everyone that has left my life too soon wouldn't want me or anyone else crying over them, they'd want us to be happy and laugh at all the good times we shared.
Wednesday they lit the tree in Rockefeller Center and it made me wish I was up there so bad. Whenever it's cold out I just want to be up north; winter in North Carolina is just not the same as when I lived in Jersey. I hate the cold, but I just wish I could go back to those winters where I was with my cousins playing in the snow and walking through New York City with the snow falling and the Christmas Tree and all the decorations-then the cold is just worthwhile. I just miss it, a lot.
"Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple." ::Dr. Seuss::
I still have my days where I have to pretend like everything is ok, when I'm really going to break down and cry. Every since Jarret passed away in October I have pretty much been a mess, but I have done a pretty good job of trying to keep my composure, it's tough but you never know how strong you are when being strong is the only option you have. The other day I couldn't pretend to be strong anymore and I just broke down big time, but I guess sometimes you just need to do that every once in a while. I know that everyone that has left my life too soon wouldn't want me or anyone else crying over them, they'd want us to be happy and laugh at all the good times we shared.
Wednesday they lit the tree in Rockefeller Center and it made me wish I was up there so bad. Whenever it's cold out I just want to be up north; winter in North Carolina is just not the same as when I lived in Jersey. I hate the cold, but I just wish I could go back to those winters where I was with my cousins playing in the snow and walking through New York City with the snow falling and the Christmas Tree and all the decorations-then the cold is just worthwhile. I just miss it, a lot.
"Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple." ::Dr. Seuss::
Monday, November 10, 2008
You Belong With Me
You're on the phone with your girlfriend shes upset. Shes going off about something that you said 'Cuz she doesn't, get your humor like I do... I'm in the room It's a typical Tuesday night I'm listening to the kind of music she doesn't like and she'll never know your story like i do But she wears short skirts I wear T-shirts She's cheer captain And I'm on the bleachers Dreaming about the day when you wake up And find what you're looking for has been here the whole time If you could see that I'm the one who understands you been here all along so why can't you see, you You belong with me You belong with me Walkin' the streets with you and your worn-out jeans I can't help thinking this is how it ought to be Laughing on a park bench, thinking to myself Hey isn't this easy And you've got a smile that could light up this whole town I haven't seen it in a while since she brought you down You say you're fine I know you better then that Hey whatcha doing with a girl like that She wears high heels I wear sneakers Shes cheer captain and I'm on the bleachers Dreaming about the day when you wake up and find That what you're looking for has been here the whole time If you could see that I'm the one who understands you Been here all along so why can't you see You belong with me Standing by and waiting at your back door all this time how could you not know Baby.... You belong with me You belong with me Oh I remember you drivin' to my house in the middle of the night I'm the one who makes you laugh When you know you're about to cry And i know your favorite songs And you tell me about your dreams Think I know where you belong Think I know it's with me... Can't you see that I'm the one who understands you Been here all along So why can't you see You belong with me Standing by and waiting at your back door All this time How could you not know Baby you belong with me You belong with me You belong with me Have you ever thought just maybe you belong with me You belong with me...
Taylor Swift's You Belong With Me
Taylor Swift's You Belong With Me
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Just So You Know
Why is it that I have so much that I need to say, but for once in my life my big mouth wants to keep quiet? I don't understand it. Why is it that I can't just tell someone how I feel? Why is it that I feel as though I have to pretend I don't have feelings for someone when I really do? Why is it that I'm possibly falling for someone who is in a relationship? What the hell is wrong with me? These are the many unanswered questions that I have in my life right now. I am falling for someone who I am really good friends with and they just happen to conveniently be in a relationship. Why is this happening to me? I seriously don't understand my logic in this whole situation, but you know sometimes I lack intelligence and make the stupidest decisions ever, like this for instance. I mean seriously how much stupider can I get...I'm falling for a guy who has a girlfriend!!!! News flash Kristen you probably don't have a chance in hell to be with him. But yet I'm sticking around and almost in a sense being played as his girlfriend on the side and I'm going to be the idiot left hurt at the end of all of this. I'm seriously a freakin' moron. I don't know what to do. Do I tell them how I feel or continue with my little act? On one hand I could tell them I feel and potentially lose a friend or make things awkward...or...I could tell them how I feel and gain something. I just don't know what to do. I'm so confused. I'm caught in a really tough spot right now, and I don't want to fuck anything up. Why is this so hard? I need a sign, something to let me know what the right decision is.
"It's getting hard to be around you/ There's so much I can't say/ Do you want me to hide the feelings/ And look the other way?" -Jesse McCartney's Just So You Know
"It's getting hard to be around you/ There's so much I can't say/ Do you want me to hide the feelings/ And look the other way?" -Jesse McCartney's Just So You Know
Friday, November 7, 2008
Balance
This pretty much sums up my life right now: "Sometimes you have to take a step back to see what's really going on. Maybe that's what we both really need to do right now...find our balance again." -Roswell
I really do need to find the balance in my life. I realized that I have become so goal-orientated because I have a slight problem trusting people and I'm always afraid people are going to let me down and because of this I have been pushing certain people/things away recently. What the hell is wrong with me!?!?! The people I think are going to stick around-let me down or walk away, and the people you think you could trust lie to protect you from the truth, so I just have this fear that its this continuing pattern that will never end. Maybe one of these days someone will prove me wrong.
Have you ever wanted something so bad, but knew you couldn't have it? Yeah I feel like that too right now. But sometimes you just have to push aside those feelings and go on with your life like nothing is there, and I think I have done a pretty good job with it even though it's incredibly hard to do.
Thanksgiving Break is right around the corner and it can not come at a better time. Only 2 weeks away!! (: Once this semester is over I'll be even happier!! However I am dreading the 18 hours I have next semester, plus summer school...fun stuff. I'm just ready to graduate and go to New York or Florida, but I have two and a half more years.
"Life is a balance of holding on and letting go" :Unknown:
I really do need to find the balance in my life. I realized that I have become so goal-orientated because I have a slight problem trusting people and I'm always afraid people are going to let me down and because of this I have been pushing certain people/things away recently. What the hell is wrong with me!?!?! The people I think are going to stick around-let me down or walk away, and the people you think you could trust lie to protect you from the truth, so I just have this fear that its this continuing pattern that will never end. Maybe one of these days someone will prove me wrong.
Have you ever wanted something so bad, but knew you couldn't have it? Yeah I feel like that too right now. But sometimes you just have to push aside those feelings and go on with your life like nothing is there, and I think I have done a pretty good job with it even though it's incredibly hard to do.
Thanksgiving Break is right around the corner and it can not come at a better time. Only 2 weeks away!! (: Once this semester is over I'll be even happier!! However I am dreading the 18 hours I have next semester, plus summer school...fun stuff. I'm just ready to graduate and go to New York or Florida, but I have two and a half more years.
"Life is a balance of holding on and letting go" :Unknown:
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